I'm gay. I'm both male and female and neither male nor female. I'm everything I'm not supposed to be. Nine times out of ten, I'm the one being bullied, the one putting everything on the line only to have it thrown back at my face.
Whose arms do you fall into?
I haven't fallen into anyone's arms yet. I'm still waiting for a knight(ess) in shining armor to come rescue me from this hell.
What is the one miracle you are waiting for?
To be able to live a day when I'm glad to be alive.
What is your weapon?
Myself. Isolation.
Whom do you miss the most?
EB...may she rest in peace after dying this past year by her own hands.
What are you scared of?
Dying. Living. Sex. Pleasure.
What is your favorite memory?
Telling on myself (to an adult) before I pulled the plug to end my life. Reaching out for help and submitting myself to going to the emergency room to stop myself from acting upon my urges.
When was the last time God spoke to you and what did He say?
She said how I'm beautiful and I deserve to live free of fear.
What words are you holding onto in your pockets?
The wish of "la libertad de nao sentir medo" (The freedom to not be afraid)
What's the best advice you've ever been given?
Someone, somewhere in this world, is waiting to meet you.
What advice would you give to your parents that will help them in raising you?
Don't ever doubt your child of his/her potential.
Is there sometimes an emptiness inside you and what does it feel like?
Yes. It feels like being locked in my dog's cage. Or like the time I had to eat dinner after visiting Auschwitz.
Are you enough?
No. I think if I were enough I would not be so dependent on self-loathing jokes.
Ambitious Pessimist
Age
21
Who Are You?
I am the thunderstorm after the sun; the pearl at the bottom of the ocean, waiting to be found. I am tear held back by strength, and the laugh that comes out instinctively. I am the wandering eye, the focused mind, and the opinionated voice.
Whose arms do you fall into?
My mom's. When all else fails- and it has plenty of times - her arms are always open.
What is the one miracle you are waiting for?
My miracle will take place in the future... it will be that morning where I wake up, rain will be falling outside my window... and all I will do is smile. Because for the first time, I'll feel like I need to keep going because I'm not finished yet.
What is your weapon?
I have three weapons- anger, tears, and writing. I'm good at being angry. It is the easiest emotion for me to feel and be. But like a brilliant man once said, everyone feels better after they cry. My writing is the one used least often, because sometimes I just don't have the patience to sit and write; my emotions are just too out of control. Most of the time, I need a quicker release... a quicker weapon.
Whom do you miss the most?
I miss my best friend Jessica. That girl was my other half. And then she met a guy-- a much older man rather-- who had a lot of money, and she forgot who her true friends were. And I understood it for a while... until the one time I truly needed her, and she wasn't there.
What are you scared of?
Failure. I am so scared that I will fail at becoming who I think I should be and who everyone else thinks I should be.
What is your favorite memory?
It's not just one time...because I do this as much as possible... but on summer nights when it's raining-- pouring or real rain, not a stupid drizzle-- I'll stand outside barefoot, close my eyes, tilt my head back, and scream as loud as I can.
When was the last time God spoke to you and what did He say?
I think the only time God spoke to me was during my first intensive deep tissue massage therapy session, where my therapist took away pain that I had for over two years. I felt that God had finally said to me: you have suffered enough, you have gained enough strength, and have matured more than your peers. You've passed.
What is going to be your mark on this life?
I don't know what it is... but trust me... my mark is going to be big.
What advice would you give to your parents that will help them in raising you?
Do not change a thing. I am the amazing person that I am because of you.
Is there sometimes an emptiness inside you and what does it feel like?
Sometimes? It's more like all the time. But like the brilliant man that I spoke of before once said, you learn to deal with it, and be okay with it. Sometimes I feel it more than others... but what it is, is numbness. Absolute numbness to anything and everything, anyone and everyone.
Are you enough?
I want to be. People say I am. They say I'm enough and even more [all that and a side of chips??]. But I...don't....know.
dytou09
Age
21
Who Are You?
I am a junior English major at Ohio University. I am proud that I am not only in a sorority but that I hold a position of respect in my chapter. I am an only child who was raised in Catholic schools. I love my family, even when they're crazy and my friends are my favorite people ever.
Whose arms do you fall into?
My best friends’ - there are four in total. They've been around longer than any stupid boyfriend has and they never judge me when I inevitably go back to a guy I know I shouldn't.
What is the one miracle you are waiting for?
To fall in love - real love.
What is your weapon?
Sarcasm - it's my shield.
Who do you miss the most?
My granddad. He was the only sane one on my dad's side of the family. He always kept the mood lighthearted with his infamous jokes and his kind nature. He passed away last May.
What are you scared of?
Growing up. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I'm quickly running out of time.
Are you enough?
I would like to say that I am, but after certain weekends of being ignored by "that guy" or hearing an untrue rumor about me from so-called friends, I don't always feel that I am.
TiniJet46
Age
20
Who Are You?
I'm a sophomore at Ohio University and I heard Scott speak tonight. I'm a magazine journalism major in one of the top 10 journalism schools in the country, hold a position in my sorority, have a great boyfriend and a ton of different groups of friends. But tonight I wasn't even supposed to go to see Scott. My roommate was too sick to go and asked me to go in her place. But I'm glad I did. His stories, the way he spoke...was amazing.
Whose arms do you fall into?
I fall into the arms of my boyfriend. Yeah Scott, I know, I don't need a guy to be "enough" but he really is a huge part of my life and for a while, I thought he "completed" me. But now I realize, if I needed to, I could fall into my own arms because I am enough. Sam really is my best friend though, and knows everything about me.
What is the one miracle you are waiting for?
I'm waiting for the day I graduate college, waiting for my wedding day, waiting for my first child to be born....because all of those experiences are miracles to me. But really, I just am waiting for the day when I'm loved for who I am and for me to be in love with that man so deeply that I'm happy to receive the "glancing touch.”
What is your weapon?
My weapon is having been raped. I think I'm a stronger person because that happened to me, though I didn't realize what had happened to me was rape until I was a freshman in college and took a sexual assault education class. I hold it over people's heads, like I'm better because I'm broken. Maybe it makes me more interesting to other people.
Who do you miss the most?
I miss my friend Chase. He was the all-American guy, three years older than me. The guy I had a crush on at the country club and who coached me in swim team for four years. We reconnected last memorial day weekend at the pool. He was about to graduate from OU and we had a beer together and talked about how we had not hung out at school even though we were on the same campus. He told me to Facebook him since he would only be at school for another couple weeks. I didn't. I forgot. On September 2, he was drunk driving his friend home and they were racing his BMW. He crashed into a garage, hit a fuel line and the car caught fire. His friend was left without a scratch, but Chase died. I'll never get over the fact that we didn't hang out and that I didn't call.
What are you scared of?
I'm scared of ever confronting the man who raped me. I hate him. I HATE what he did to me. He took my virginity away and I’m scarred because of him. He still texts me, expecting we're friends. He doesn't know what he did to me because he was drunk. I never told him. I'm scared. But I'm also sacred. That's why the only guy who has had sex with me is someone I'm in love with.
Are you enough?
I am enough. I'm broken, but I'm still sacred. I’ve been through a lot, but that doesn't make me worthless. I'm enough to a lot of people, especially myself, so those who think I'm not can leave me alone.
(no name)
What is the one miracle you are waiting for?
I am waiting for a beautiful girl (inside and out) and an amazing relationship. I'm afraid I'm too shallow cause I've never been close to a girl. I think I make excuses of why not to seek a girl out, either because she's too good for me, too pretty, not Jewish, or I'll graduate and we'll never talk. And I'm very afraid that I'm superficial and I can't see the inner beauty in people, and Every girl i pass I'm missing a chance to make a really good friend. I'm waiting to be close to someone. The miracle I was waiting for happened this past weekend. It was very nice, but it wasn't real. I kissed a girl, but we both knew nothing would come of it. I'm still waiting for love; I'm waiting for that day when i can ask a girl out, invite her to prom, or tell her I love her.
